Cavegirl

Cinema Monolith: 2/10
IMDb: 3.7/10
DVD Verdict: D

Released on May 1, 1985
Rated R
86 minutes

Directed by David Oliver

Written by David Oliver and Phil Groves

Cast: Daniel Roebuck, Cindy Ann Thompson, Darren Young, Saba Moor-Doucette, Jeff Chayette, Charles Mitchell, Cynthia Rullo, Tom Hamil, Bill Adams, Stacey Swain, A.A. Cavallaro, Maggie Ostroff, Michelle Bauer

As you all should know by now, I’m an unabashed fan of the drive-in teen sex comedies churned out in the late-’70s and early-’80s by Crown International Pictures…makers of low-budget, late-night cable staples that were guaranteed to bring you a) agreeable teenagers menaced by teenage idiots, b) scenes filmed in and around Los Angeles and nearby beaches, and of course c) lots and lots of exposed breasts. However, I had yet to experience a CIP offering that was as low-brow and downright moronic as Cavegirl.

The premise seems simple enough, yet…maybe not. During a military training exercise, an errant missile smacks into a cluster of pink crystals inside a mine shaft, where a handful of high schoolers on a field trip are studying cave drawings. One of them, a bookish klutz named Rex, is somehow knocked into prehistoric times (or what looks like the modern back country of California), where a pretty cavegirl named Eba inexplicably falls for him. Hijinks ensue as Rex repeatedly tries to seduce and sleep with her, while a local clan of native numbskulls thwart his efforts at every turn.

Ridiculous—yet fascinating—at its best, and insulting at its worst: I don’t think I’ve sacrificed so many brain cells while watching a movie in all my life. Yes, it was all supposed to be good-natured fun, but it was about as historically accurate as a B.C. comic strip, and lacked anything resembling real-world common sense (for starters, one of the cavemen was somehow knocked unconscious by a coiled length of rope). Of course, if this played out as true-to-life, our vivacious cavegirl would be about as disgusting and dirty as…well, a caveman, and our nerd of a hero would be repulsed by the very thought of her.

Who’s to blame for all this? Well, my compass points to David Oliver, who not only served as writer and director, but was also the film’s cinematographer and aerial camera operator, as well as one of its producers. Not surprisingly, he never worked in film again, but time-traveling dork Daniel Roebuck and cavebabe Cindy Ann Thompson did; Roebuck would go on to play one of Tommy Lee Jones’ marshals in The Fugitive, while Cindy appeared in four more minor films before her career quietly flickered out. Sadly, she passed away at the age of 50, just one week after I’d watched Cavegirl for the first time back in 2009.

And to top it all off, the title itself makes no sense whatsoever: with nary a cave in sight, Eba is more a prairie or tundra girl than anything else. The film’s original title, Primal Urge, would’ve been a much better choice, since our hero’s only concern seemed to be how soon—and how often—he could get it on with a Cro-Magnon chick. If you must, watch this for the fetching Miss Thompson, but unless you’re a masochist cinephile of ‘8os teen comedies, I’d say do yourself a favor and skip everything else.  (2/10)