Reviews of movies from my giant DVD tower, and more.
Released in the US in March, 1974 and in Spain on September 22, 1975
Directed by Javier Aguirre
Written by Javier Aguirre, Alberto S. Insúa, and Paul Naschy
Cast: Paul Naschy, Rosanna Yanni, Haydee Politoff, Mirta Miller, Ingrid Garbo, Victor Alcázar, Jose Manuel Martín, Álvaro de Luna, Susana Latur, Julia Pena, Loreta Tovar, Benito Pavon
Or as it was known during its drive-in re-release, Cemetery Girls. Or as it was known in Canada, Dracula’s Virgin Lovers. Or as it was known in my apartment, Count Dracula’s Great Big World of Cleavage. Criminy, was it ever hard to concentrate on the story when there were four sets of snowy-white honkers grabbing my attention in every scene they were in. Or maybe that was the point, because the story had nothing at all going for it, save for a few chilling slow-motion shots, a vampire fistfight, and the aforementioned sexual distractions.
Beyond that, unfortunately, it was talk, talk, and more talk, the usual affliction of these foreign horror films (at least, the low-end drive-in ones I constantly find and subject myself to). I kept waiting for everyone to just shut up and get on with it, and especially so with the women, who spent the entirety of their stay at the castle chatting and conversing and bitching among themselves, and when they weren’t busy with that, they either went on long walks or slept! For chrissake, show me some vampires, or boobs, or robots, or whatever, but please just stop your damn blabbering!
Oh yeah, the story. Four hot babes, traveling by stagecoach through Romanian vampire country, are suddenly stranded when their coach breaks down, and soon make their way to the sanitarium—and home—of Dr. Wendell Marlow, who’s generous enough to let them stay as his guests (and frankly, who wouldn’t?). Unbeknownst to them, Marlowe is actually Count Dracula, and he’s on the prowl for a willing female to be his bride, his so-called ‘great love’, a union that will provide the necessary mojo to bring his vampire daughter back from the dead. But which of the four lovelies will he choose?
Spanish fan favorite Paul Naschy played the Count, and not having seen many of his films, I wasn’t sure whether his performance here was considered a high point or a low one. What I was sure of was that he looked very much like a debonair John Belushi, which thankfully added a much-appreciated level of comic relief to the proceedings (as did his coffin, which was labeled ‘Dracula’, for anyone who was confused by which fanged menace actually slept there). If you prefer your vampire product to be boring, long-winded, and loaded with topless women—as I do, apparently—then you’ve hit the jackpot with this one. (3/10)